Another thread inspired by Uno

I haven't weighed in on the thread Uno started about organ donation. No real firm opinions on it, kind of a fence sitter.

It did get me thinking about other things. As you all know I have lost many family members in the last two years. This of course gets you discussing things that you may not have thought to discuss before.

My father wanted to be cremated as did my other family members. When we were discussing this for the first time about my father, my husband was horrified! Cremation was not something that had ever crossed his mind. To him, when you died, you got buried. Period.

This led to lots of discussions as being buried is the last thing I want to happen to me! I know I will be dead, but to think I am put in the wet cold ground and worms are going to eat me does not sit well with me. I want to go up in a hot, puff of smoke and be set free. Hubby, with a horrified, sad look on his face asked 'but where will I go to visit you?' He really is a softy inside. I let him know if he wanted to carry my ashes around that was fine, I wouldn't care at that stage.  

So now, after the 4th cremation in 2 years he has changed his mind. He has figured if it is good enough for the warriors of old, it is good enough for him. He has also discussed where he would like his ashes spread.

So lets hear your thoughts on this. Do you have a family plot somewhere? Are you like me and like the idea of being released from your physical body? Do you know where you will be for your final rest? I am interested to hear what you all think.

We went through a few bad years and have discussed this at length in that time. I love the earth, I look forward to going back there, to become one, - to be compost, become soil. My coffin and burial arrangements ensure I will be compost as soon as possible. My mother felt the same way. Dad wanted to be cremated, to be freed of his body, as cleanly and immediately as possible. So that's how he went. We buried his ashes with my mother who had died 10 months earlier.

My parents bought a plot before they died. Spent months choosing one that was sunny, not too damp, where flowers would grow and the sun would shine. They liked making that decision, removing the trauma from their family. They had both had to find plots for their parents as part of the death routine and wanted to save their family from having to worry about it when they died. We (all six children) are all listed on the plot's title - if all the named owners die the plot reverts to the cemetery and your right to be buried there is gone. Husband has a series of family plots he says he could be buried in (but I suspect some have reverted to the cemeteries). I'm not sure we worry about be buried side by side, at least not right now.

Though I have expressed a wish to be cremated, I have told Doug to do as he wishes. After all, funerals are for the living, not the dead. If I am dead I really won't be caring what happens to my body, but if the decision is important to someone alive, so be it.

Good point. I mean if I was to die in Uzbekistan I certainly wouldn't mind being cremated there and brought home in a shoebox, as opposed to having to be hauled home at great expense for burial here.

Note to self: must tell husband of Uzbekistan exemption.

Cremated because it takes up less space.

When my dad died, his body was absent from the service and this seemed right to me. He is gone, his spirit is gone, why would we want his body kicking around the funeral? I know for some people the presence of the body is important for closure. But I was standing right beside my dad when he drew his last breath and died. Just me and him. I saw it happen. Thank god. That moment, for me, was closure. The end. I was able to let go of his body right there in the hospital.

However, even though he was cremated and his ashes were not buried, there is a stone grave marker with his name on it. That was important to me. HIs name, carved in stone. Loving husband and father. I want to be able to see and read those words and more importantly, after I leave this earth, those words will say to others who wander through, this man lived, this man was loved, this man was here and he counted.

If I could choose my final treatment, I would be burned and set adrift on a boat, Viking style. Since the local funeral home does not offer this service, cremation seems to me the option that best ties up loose ends. Don't ask me why, it just seems neater to me. I know, there is no good explanation for this. I have told my family to cremate me. No need to buy a plot to plant me in. I have no ash ideas, other than maybe to travel to Uzbekistan with Heda when she goes, she can toss me out on some lonely steppe. If they have steppes in Uzbekistan. Failing that she can hurl my little baggy of ashes at some feral sheep.

All I know is that you should have some plan prior to death, since at the time of your loved one's death, you are usually a basket case and maybe not in the best state to make sound decisions. That is when grieving and shocked people get told that buying the $14,000 casket instead of the $4000one will ensure a better resting place for their loved one. Then when you get the final bill for the cost of dying...you are in shock all over again! Having your wishes known help preserve your family from making these awful decisions during an awful time.

This is a thought provoking post, Coopslave. It is sad that you have had to deal with so much of it.

I always thought it would be nice to be placed under a tree (cremated or not makes no difference). My atoms would get drawn up and incorporated into the tree. Something long lived (out here, I think our longest lived species is the hemlock). Not some stupid birch or poplar that would fall over in 40 years.

Fowler wrote:I always thought it would be nice to be placed under a tree (cremated or not makes no difference).  My atoms would get drawn up and incorporated into the tree.  Something long lived (out here, I think our longest lived species is the hemlock).  Not some stupid birch or poplar that would fall over in 40 years.

Now Fowler, have you thought about your effect on that poor Hemlock?

Schipperkesue wrote:

Fowler wrote:I always thought it would be nice to be placed under a tree (cremated or not makes no difference).  My atoms would get drawn up and incorporated into the tree.  Something long lived (out here, I think our longest lived species is the hemlock).  Not some stupid birch or poplar that would fall over in 40 years.

Now Fowler, have you thought about your effect on that poor Hemlock?

I'm hoping for something along the lines of timepoint 1:06

When my dad died I sat at the kitchen table and listened in horror as the funeral director (a previous friend of my dad)  explained to my mom that there was another box that you could buy to put the coffin in and that she really should purchase that too as "dad really didn't like bugs" and it would help preserve the coffin and dad, mother whole heartily agreed and purchased it. I couldn't move fast enough from my chair whilst removing this jerk from mom's home and chastising him on the way to the front door for taking advantage of mom. A box for a box to help preserve what?? Dad was dead ... there was no convincing mom otherwise, dad was a war vet and foxholes and bugs were a deep rooted dislike that dad never could shake.  A body decomposing after death is a natural process no need to preserve it. Actually from what I understand coffins are so airtight and we have already 'preserved' with an embalming fluid that what happens to your body in a coffin isn't really all that natural either, blob of jelly ... doesn't sound very natural either...but I can't recall where I heard that part...and why do we need embalming fluid, another cost ...I  said no to that and he said it was already done... I have to admit I felt as though this was wrong! He mumbled something about it being law and by then mom was getting a little choked with me, I let it go. I decided right there at that kitchen table that I was being cremated with no burial site, if my family needed a place to find me to mourn they would only have to look into their own hearts and memories of me. My death...my choice! Others feel differently and that's OK, that's their death and their choice.

XOX Monika

We have a family plot. But, I'll never be there. I've always loved a good BBQ, so just cuz I'm dead doesn't mean I shouldn't participate.

My wife (I can call her that now!) has always known that my ashes are to be spread at Stonehenge. I just wish I was around to see hwr attempt it!

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I wasn't sure if people would be comfortable with this. It is interesting to hear people perspective and life experiences with this.

Island Girl wrote:if my family needed a place to find me to mourn they would only have to look into their own hearts and memories of me

I like this and it is very much how I feel. My family is always with me, just a bit more present sometimes than others. I look forward to a time when the memories are not as teary.

Fowler, the tree planting happens in Australia for very good working dogs. When a good, old dog passes a tree is planted over them in memory. My parents each have a tree in Nova Scotia planted over some of their ashes. Their great grand children will grow with those trees and have memories around them.

Sue, my mother though very much the same way. She did very much want to be cremated, but she said after her death, do what we wanted. I have to say the whole process with her was very interesting and I learned a lot. Won't go thru it here and bore you all though.

Hillbilly, your wife (I can call her that now too! ) will have a very interesting adventure. Do you mind telling me why Stonehenge was your choice?

I like the idea of Viking style!! Very cool. If I had the choice mine would be on wooden structures you see some of the Indians (I know, not politically correct) in the old movies had. Raised above the ground and then set alight. Tall flames reaching for the sky appeal to me for some reason.

I understand why some of you want to go to the earth as well. I do find all of this oddly interesting......

I also feel it has helped to talk about this. Good thing I don't have to pay you all a counselling fee!

I would prefer cremation, but I don't care, really. I am pretty practical, so I would prefer that no one wasted money on a casket, a ceremony, flowers, etc. They could buy themselves something fun instead. Like power tools!

I remember visiting my grandfather’s grave site as a young child with my grandmother and not fully understanding why her name was already written on their shared tomb stone. To be honest, I think it freaked me out quite a bit back then. I know I had nightmares for awhile. Years later after my father passed on, she would go there often to ‘visit’ them. I think it gave her great peace of mind to know she would eventually be able to rest between her beloved husband and only son.


Hubby and I have definitely not thought about this as much as we should. Since a family mausoleum is out, I will probably opt for cremation. The idea of being freed from all physical restraints by fire appeals to me the most. That and a celebration of life in place of a funeral. I'd much rather everyone eat, laugh, drink and cry, and remember the good times, instead of dwelling on my death...I've been too way too many funerals that were run like an event, and honestly it made me feel ill. I know people need to pay their respects and all, but after my dad died the last thing I felt like was being in the bloody spotlight surrounded by people. Wish folks would have understood...oh well. that's in the past now. Also like the idea of planting a tree in memory of a loved one. Would be nice to have somewhere for the living to visit if they were so inclined.

Flicker, I really enjoy the Celebration of Life as well. We had one for my Father and it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever been to. It was the perfect send off for him. He love a gathering of people. Enough time had passed that it was easier to have a Celebration. There were still tears, but lots of great memories as well.

I don't share my writing much, but I am compelled to share what I wrote for him on that day. I hope you all don't mind. It is a bit personal and I am very private, but it really summed him up to me and he has been in my thoughts lately.

"Thank you all so much for joining us. I know my Father would have been very excited to see every one of you. He loved a gathering of people, especially ones he knew and had a connection with. He would have spoken to each of you and shared something in common or some sort of memory. It would have been joined with a handshake and a smile and probably at some stage he would have called one of us over and asked `do you know who this is?’
Many of my first memories of Dad were being his helper. Cathi and Sharron have already mentioned how this gave us tool skills but I learned it was not always the skill of the helper that was important, but the company the helper provided. He taught me a job shared was an easier job. One of his favourite stories about me was when I was little more than a toddler and out helping him one day. He said that I would grab the tools from his hands and say `Mine do Dad!` Some things never change?
I remember when I was young, I would always call him Father. If we were at horse shows or other events, I recall that Dad would always answer when I called him. It didn’t matter where he was, what he was doing or how many people were around him, he always knew it was me. That made me feel very special. It wasn’t until I was older he told me it was because all the other kids would shout DAD and I shouted FATHER and that is how he would know it was me.
His stories are some of the fondest memories I have. When we would all sit around the dinner table when we were older Dad would start with the stories. It was usually the same ones over and over again and we would all add our bits to them. He really did pay attention to all us kids growing up, or he would not have had the memories to tell us all the stories about each of us.
Dad had a love of cars, especially ones with big motors. This meant we always had nice things to drive, and they were usually FAST! His pride and joy was always his sky blue Cougar. Both Sharron and Cathi got to drive it, but it was parked before I was old enough. I heard some whisperings about speeding tickets and such, but I never did learn knew the real story. There were other cars, but I think that Cougar was always his favourite. It was mine too.
Riding the rollercoaster at the PNE was always a huge event. Dad, Cathi and Sharron would go on it year after year and I was always too short. Finally I was tall enough and terrified and excited all at the same time. It was the ride of a lifetime the first time and Dad held me in and would say ‘here we go’ at the top of every hill. I think this was really how he approached his life, hold on everyone, here we go! His infectious love of life would pull you along for the ride racing over the hills and valleys. I still try to get on any rollercoaster I come across!
Dad always seemed to know everyone. He would talk to strangers and always find common ground. He had a smile that would light up a room and was remember by it to the end. He had a kind heart and always tried to do the best for everyone.
Dad gave me the skills to be self-sufficient, hardworking and to have a sense of humour. His smile was infectious and he loved to laugh and joke around. Sometimes only he got the jokes, but that was good enough for him.
He loved his sayings too:
Dad liked to say things looked pointed, this was a play on words for when something looked sharp. He got a real kick out of that one! Usually I would just roll my eyes when he said it and giggled.
And when someone would say “I think” he would always reply “what gave you the conceded idea you had the capacity to think?”
Another favourite was “I am never wrong, I may be mistaken, but I am never wrong.”

I thank him for everything he taught me, for the kindness he showed me, for the woman he helped me become. I will miss him a great deal, but he will always be with me in the memories I have of him. Enjoy the new adventure Dad and keep smiling!

Thank you all so much for coming. Feel free to write your memories or comments on the board and please take a rose. Dad took great pride in growing grandpa’s roses where ever he lived and we all have one growing at our house. We would like you to have a rose to remember him by."

That is lovely Coop. Straight from the heart. Thank you for sharing something so personal. Your father sounds like a wise and wonderful man.

Burn baby burn.
My dad was cremated. He was my hunting partner and I kept some of his ashes and carried them with me for when I got my first elk, which we had never gotten together. When I did I spread his ashes there. My current hunting partner got me a small carved box that I put some of his ashes in and I still have it. My cousin took some of his ashes and buried them next to his brother up on hunters range above enderby, close to his birth place. All things I think my father would approve of. The rest of his ashes lie in a small plot next to a plot where my mothers ashes will go, so they can torment each other for eternity.
I personally think something like that would be cool. Barring that put my body in a big gift wrapped box and leave it on the street for some to steal and take on one last adventure, also has some appeal.

Another option for those who want their bodies to be useful is to donate it to science. No funeral costs, and a memorial service a year or two later. Not for me, however. The Viking boat idea is pretty cool, but I have a problem with water splashing onto my face. My preference is to be placed in a pine box built by loved ones buried in the back yard. Guess I am a bit old-fashioned. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to prevent the funeral establishment from getting a hold of you, preserving you, and dropping you into a too expensive, fancy box, in an expensive grave.

I used to date this guy....he really wasn't that nice at all but he had a good thought about ashes. He planted his father in his garden in a spot he knew. Then when he moved he dug the ashes up and took them to his next place; always leaving a piece of his father behind.
personally, i want no marking of my grave....just ashes spread somewhere to the wind..but then again, i will be dead and it doesn't really matter at all

Coop, Stonehenge is my choice for many, many reasons, which I can't even begin to delve that deeply into. But I will say, I have always had a fascination with it since I was a boy. Although is still unknown as to who built it, and what its purpose was, there is no doubt it had significant meaning. My fascination with it, is due in part of not only the unknown mystery surrounding it, but my personal beliefs on the matter as well.

My grandpa was cremated and his ashes were spread on the riverbanks where he raised his family. We did a celebration of his life!! I dearly wish for something along the same lines when I pass. I don't want a big splashy funeral as that is not the type of person I am. I want to be cremated, and my ashes spread on our home quarter. I want it just family, and for no one to have to put out extra money!!

This is what my dad wants done when he passes also, but we have been told in SK we can no longer legally spread the ashes of someone! This really bothers me as I know what my dad really wants done, but now we can't fulfil his wishes legally!! We jokinging told him we would take him on a gallop across the quarter on horseback and accidentally spill his ashes!! Lol

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I like the idea of a Viking type funeral too. Definitely want to be cremated. Told my husband to "NOT" bury me in Alberta.

I want to go back to B.C. I'm another one of those type of people, always looking for the right burial spot, lol.



When we had 3 family members pass away 2 months apart, to the day! in 2002 it was a lot harder on all of us than we thought.

I honestly think that we were all in a sort of shock. 2 were my husbands parents. The other my brother-in-law.

Never went to my parents funerals ( thanks to my ex-sister) none of our side of the family were welcome.

Amazing what happens after deaths in a family.