Sad story of my Dad, happy story about my Daughters

I think this morning I need to spend a little time to make me feel good.  That is speaking of my Daughters.  I am very proud of them and will always toot their horn, a Mother bragging, no, just telling and showing things that I think are nice, and make me feel good!  

I had some awful news last night, which has impacted me deeply.  No illness, no death, just something that has made me very sad.  I will feel better I know, but this haunts me.  My Father has been in a home for about 8 years, with vascular dementia.  We cared for him for as long as we could, back on the coast, but his eloping became dangerous and he needed 24-7 care, we could not provide this.  This has always haunted me, that I had to resort to this, but I know he understands, and he would not want his oldest Daughter to be burdened by him.  I know that in my heart, so in some ways I am OK with this and have come to that resolution  One could say it is Altzhiemer related (geeze, how do you spell that frickin’ awful word anyways, oh well, you get the gist), but it is not that disease.  He would be dead by now I am sure if it was.  My Sister told me last night that for the past years he has been treated with the wrong medication and that since he has been on new medication, he is changing.  Sigh....don’t know where I am going with this, but I am contacting my Brother, who visits my Father regularly to find out more.  This has struck me very deep and just made me sad.  Oh well, it is what it is, we cannot turn back time.  So I move forward to something that makes me very happy.  My two Daughters.

Both my girls are like night and day, looks and behaviours, and each has beautiful attributes, I love them equally.  My oldest Daughter events with her horses, all over the place, B.C. and Alberta.  Always at these events, there is a photographer and some most wonderful pictures have been taken of her by that photographer, wish I had a wall to put the mountain of beautiful pictures on, but I don’t.  The other Daughter, has always been horsey too, but does not event, she likes to trail ride, the mountains.  Both Daughters trail ride, but the youngest chooses not to event.  I am proud of my girls.   They are my rays of sunshine that make me feel good, make me smile when I see them or talk to them, they are my ground.

I am presenting two pictures.  The first picture is of my youngest Daughter.  Taken about 2 weeks ago, when she and her Sister trailered oldest Daughter’s two horses up the mountain, to go for a ride along those mountain trails.  Beautiful, clean, mountain air, it was, as I see, a beautiful day too.  Oldest Daughter’s little dog Xena, traverses with them, she is a miniature Australian shepherd crossed with a Bichon Friese, a most beautiful gal, with the energy that could light a city.  She is running behind the horse.  “with her long blonde hair, flyin’ in the wind” .  I present my youngest Daughter...thank you for looking at these pictures, and I feel so much better too, these pictures bring such pleasure and happiness to my soul.  Have a most beautiful day, CynthiaM.

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This is a picture of my oldest girl, a light in her own way.  Her love of her horse, depicted ever so gently in this picture.  This photographer knows how to instill beauty in every photograph taken.  I present my oldest Daughter, and her horse, Molson.

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Beautiful photos CynthiaM. Good to be proud of the people your daughters have become!

My father had vascular dementia too. It is tough to watch them disappear. Actually I didn't watch it because I was away. He just knew me less and less over the years as we did get to see him until finally he didn't know me at all when I moved back. The only time he knew me was 2 days before he passed. He was non verbal by then, but he would squeeze my hand and look me in the eye and laugh at the stories and childhood memories I told. It was a very special time my sisters and I got to spend with him. I treasure that he was able to spend some of his last minutes of consciousness truly remembering and being with us.
It is sad and brings tears remembering, but also very treasured. I do feel I know some of what you are going thru and feeling, it is not easy.

That was beautiful , a mothers love can't be taken away and your words express that so beautifully . My uncle had Alzheimer's and it was sad to watch him slowly fade away .To hear of someone getting the wrong medication after that many years is disturbing ! not sure what else to say ? thanks for sharing your pictures , your youngest daughters  picture reminds me of a friends sister from years ago , there is a picture somewhere with her on a horse just like in your  picture

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In 2010, my dad was diagnosed with mixed dementia. Dad's behaviour began to change long before it was diagnosed but none of us caught on. Dad had another illness he had been dealing with since early 2000 that we thought was responsibly for his change in behaviour. Mom passed in 2007 and suddenly I founf myself having to deal with my dad. My other siblings live too far away to be of help. Even so, there is so much bad blood between them & dad that neither want anything to do with him. Understably so as I do too but have tried to put it aside.

Ages ago, my folks, my husband & I purchased the home we live in. In part, my folks wanted a place to live the rest of their lives. I did my best to care for dad. I got him into rehab to help bring back his health. Did my best to work with healthcare which was made hard as dad didn't want help. I argued with doctors and his case worker that he was progressing, his behaviour was getting worse. I argued that they only saw him once every 3 months for his check ups in town. 15 minutes in a doctor's office, dad could turn on the charm. I had him the rest of the time, warts & all.

Dad was taken out of my home last month. I can't say it went down the way I had wanted it to but at least I know he is now getting the help he needs. He is still being accessed, but so far the doctors and new social worker agree that dad needs professional help. I'm glad cause I know this is the best thing for both of us. Still I can't help but feel guilty, like I somehow failed because I wasn't able to cope and keep dad here at home as he wanted. But it's like you said, CynthiaM, we cannot turn back time. Though there are still some uncertainess, I am slowly begining to move forward myself.

CYnthiaM, I am so sorry for your sadness and heavy heart. I see you dealing with the hurt, by focusing on the joy. Wise woman. I hope that with new medications your dad can experience an improvement in the quality of his life. There may be a small, silver lining yet. Your daughters are extraordinary and powerful women. I have met them both. You made them strong. You are a good builder/mother.

Toybarons, this family situation has been a burden for you for a long time and it isn't fair that having it finally off your hands leaves you with an ambivalent feeling. Relief on one hand, guilt on the other. There should be a sigh and the surety of rightness...but that certainty is elusive and slippery. I can only imagine how tired and worn out this has left you. I hope that with the passage of time (this is still new to you) that you will find and ease and rightness to your days as they look now. You've done your part. Yes you have. You gave. You showed up for the job. You're done now. IT's okay to be done. But it will take a while for you to believe that.

A hug and sympathetic cup of coffee and talk is what I send out to CynthiaM and Toybarons today. Peace for both of you.

Thanks Uno. Your words are very much appreciate it.

My Mom, as you know Cynthia, is in the same situation as your Dad.  We received no instruction on how to parent our parents.  Toy Baron, I would read Uno's advice very carefully and often, as to me it seems absolutely sound.  

I didn't and don't participate in my mom's care because she chose a long time ago to become a citizen of the U.S., and made it clear she didn't want to come back to Canada, and more specifically, "would rather pay someone to wipe her bum than have me anywhere near that close".  So I understand fully the whole distortion of never being allowed to grieve, and not know when to say goodbye, because gone she really is!  Her shell may still be functioning down there in California, but she in no way resembles the woman I knew, and I am a complete stranger to her.  So along with the residual guilt of somehow feeling like I've failed as a daughter and a reluctant, untrained mother to my mother, I have the added burden of not knowing when it's okay to just say goodbye and get some closure.  It's very confusing.

Cindi - we will toast your Dad tonight at dinner, and be grateful together that he might receive some clarity and better times now that his meds have been somewhat sorted out.

Farmchiq, it's not easy having a parent like that, is it? I only wish I could say AZ left my dad a husk of himself. As you and people who have loved ones with AZ know, not all AZ is the same. It can manifest itself in other ways. My dad happens to be one of those people who functions rather well with dementia. You really don't see it on the surface. He is very much aware of his surroundings and can easily hold a conversation with anyone. It's my dad's perception that is effected. Long before my mom passed away, dad committed himself to his bed. He only gets up to use the bathroom and to wash & dress himself. Then he goes back and lies in bed 24/7/365. However, if you ask him, dad tells you he is 100% and goes out daily, that there is nothing wrong with him. Dad can also easily turn the charm on when he needs to and off when the healthcare people are gone.

Problem is as his caregiver, my word has meant crap to his doctor and health care professionals. We live in the same home. I see him every single moment of every single dad. Every 3 months when I take dad to see his doctor and I voice my concerns, the doctor simply nods, asks dad if he will submit to a mini mental test. Dad says no. Meds get prescribed and I'm told nothing can be done as it's dad right to refuse testing. Doctor sees dad maybe for 15 minutes, every 3 months. I only have him the rest of the time. Doctor whispers to me just hope he falls good enough to call EMS and he gets taken into hospital. Then, if I'm lucky, the EM doctor can order mental testing be done.

My dad is one of those people whom falls through the cracks of the current system for accessment. I'm not being a drama queen when I say this past year was hell to get dad out of the house and into a place that could do a proper mental accessment. I nearly went to jail doing it. I'm hoping the finally doctor's report clears me of the RCMP's report. Dad has been under accessment for nearly a month now and is finally starting to reveal his true self. Every time I hear from the social worker, I'm feeling more hopefully this nightmare will be worth getting dad help and my life back.

thank you all for the kind words, the lives we live....we will survive, smiling. Toybarons, what a story, I cannot even begin to imagine what life has been like, and what on earth did you do that almost got ya in jail, bad girl!! Kidding, you know that, well I hope you do. Sometimes there are things we must do in life, and when we are compelled, we must follow that rule. I am sorry to hear of this, but it has turned out well in the end, and your resting and peace of mind is paramount. To any of us dealing with these things with our parents, or parent, or anything of this nature, always remember, you are number one, and you must remain number one, if not, you will not be able to do things that are necessary to look after those that should be number two. With that, my wishes for happy days, days of peace, CynthiaM.

And thank you all for the comments of my children, the light of life.

CynthiaM all I will say is what I did, I did so after talking to several people who had been in similiar situation. My decision was made only after exhausting ever avenue that the healthcare system could offer. It was not made lightly and was done believing I was doing things correctly because healthcare people were advising me through it. The only thing now I am left with is how sad that this had to happen the way it did. I'm left feeling very guilty knowing I did the right thing. My dad is finally getting the help he has needed now for too long a time. I also can start trying to get my own health issues fixed too.

To each and everyone who is dealing with or knows someone coping with providing care to a loved one, just remember you are never alone. You are never without help. Don't hide yourself. Even just putting out a message on a forum like this can benefit you. You may feel ashamed that you have negative feelings about being a caregiver. I did. Don't be. Even those who say it was the best experience of their life will say they had moments where they had to deal with feeling negative. Whatever your do, don't remaind silent.

All the best to you all. As well as thanks.