When friends are foes.

Do you think friendships can come back from injury? If yes, is it ever the same? I guess that might depend on if you were the friend who did the wrong, or the friend who was wronged.

Not happy to say that two people I used to count among my friends are no longer my friends. I like to think I have a pretty long fuse. That I make excuses and try to see things from other people's perspectives, try to understand what's going on with them that might have caused certain things to happen. Was it intentional? Was it accidental? But when I decide that's it, I'm done, this is over, then it's over.


It is heartbreaking to have long, close friendships end. It's one thing if they sort of wither slowly, no one to blame, life happens, communication gets sketchy, people change and grow apart. But it's another when someone acts like an ass and does something hurtful. Do people get over that? I suppose it depends on a lot of things. Delicate, intricate, tricky things.

Have you bounced back or has the friendship broken and stayed that way?

I have had "disagreements" with close friends and have gone periods of not really speaking, but I am the kind of person that can't stay mad for very long and would choose to try to make amends, rather than harbour hurt feelings forever. I would say the relationship is never the same, but in time one can learn to forgive and forget...I am, however, the eternal optomist and choose to see only the good in others. I do, on occation, get taken advantage of, and I know it...but that is downfall of trying to have a clean conscience. It takes a lot of energy to remain angry.

That being said, you also must choose friendships that uplift you, rather than bring you down. That is exhausting as well. I guess, in your case, you will have to decide if making amends is in your best interest, or are you better off with them no longer in your life.

Tough choices....

Actually going through the same thing ,but it's not so much the friend who is to blame in my case .......it's his wife ! He remarried and although I was not sure about the whole thing I stood by him as he entered into this new relationship and a new life .Well it turns out that she is rather ?? nosey ,no that's not it ! She ?? she speaks for him ,answers his emails ,etc .We had a small misunderstanding ( the Friend that is ) which was all that it was ,but she went and blew it all out of perportion ,started sending me emails ,not him ? but her ?? I defended myself and repeatedly reminded her that it was nothing big ,just a misunderstanding ...something we have in the past had and we always got past it unharmed ,and why she was getting involved ?????.We hunted together ,fished together , shared personal issues etc .......I went there ,he came here etc etc etc .....then she showed up ! He couldn't email me ? call me ? rather this person who seems to have taken control now talks for him ? I had suspected something a while back already ,but this just took the cake ! I have decided that she more then likly has a habit of doing this her whole life ? I don't trust her ,never want to see her again ,I believe she will take him down a road that will in the end result in a lot of sorrow ..........but it's not my life ,he's past forty and should by now be able to see what is going on after his first marriage went south

Bowker, the two friendships I mentioned were over long, long ago. Anger was the initial reaction, but in many cases, anger is, in fact, terrible hurt. I was hurt by both friends. After the initial anger/hurt, the lingering feeling was sadness and remains so to this day.

One of those people, I realize now, was a true loss. A person I admired and liked very much. I miss her and have good memories of her. The other is much less missed in my life. I am able to be civil and cordial with them both when our paths cross. I never conducted myself like an ass in either situation and never said a word that I'd have to take back.

It is awkward enough when friends have disagreements, and boy, doesn't that cover a huge territory of life events! But there comes that moment that makes you wonder wow, did this person ever have a good feeling about me? Thank you for wading in. Shark filled water, these.

Prairie Dog, eeesh! Know the sort of situation you speak of and DO NOT envy you!

I have had very few close friends in my life, probably because I am not good at picking friends. I have been hurt by 2 friends and our friendships were over. One tried to keep the friendship but it didn't work, once the trust is gone, it's gone. The people closest to you can hurt you the most.
Right now I only have one friend in my life but I have walls up and will not share my deepest secrets, thoughts or emotions. I guess that's what makes me the perfect friend, I am there to listen (sometimes for hours ) and don't burden her with my issues..lol

Prairie Chick, you said something I think is so true. Those closest to us can hurt us the most.

Loving someone gives them terrible, crushing powers to inflict hurt. I think those of us who have been hurt in life have been hurt worst by those who should have been the last to hurt us. Betrayal is an ugly thing.

Hubby and I have what you’d call a ‘family friendship’ with a couple who still live on Vancouver Island. We met them eighteen years ago when we lived in the same apartment building. She is the closest female friend I’ve ever had or probably ever will have. Our children grew up together. Holidays were spent together. We got together weekly for coffee, suppers, shopping, etc. Through good times and bad, we leaned on each other. Then we tried to start a business together…and failed spectacularly. We both suffered heavy financial losses and some hurtful things were said in the heat of the moment. For a time it seemed our friendship was over…there was just too much stagnant water under the bridge. But then it wasn’t. When push came to shove, when it really mattered, we were still there for each other. More time passed. Kids grew older. We moved back to SK. We kept in contact and the years flew by. Before we moved into the new farm we went on a trip to the Island for a week to visit this couple. Walking into their house and seeing them again after so many years felt surreal at first. Everything had changed and yet nothing had changed. It’s hard to describe. Like slipping on an old, comfy pair of shoes you thought you’d lost but later found under the bed. lol We ended up rekindling our friendship fully and completely. So yes, I believe friendships can be mended, but only if both parties are willing to forgive and let bygones be bygones. This takes time. And usually time is the best healer.

I don't socialize, really. I have 2 good friends (One is now Mortgager and the other accepted my request to be my maid of honour), other than that, there's the goats and chickens. I like online friendships, like those I have here. I feel people are generally more... themselves. Less afraid of judgement.

I'm sorry you're still going through the sadness, Uno, but I understand.

I am with Prairie Chick. I don't have enough close friends to really be hurt if I lost them. I like people, and have become fairly gregarious, but no buddies I call or email or talk with every day.

I think if Arcticsun and I lost our friendship I would be devastated. I have known her since elementary school.

I am sort of the same ,I have a few friends who I would say that we are close ,have known them fo a long long time and we see each other here and there .I don't feel the need to be surrounded by a lot of people ,rather I would call myself a loner .I Totally admire my wife who seems to make friends every time she turns around ,love that quality ! just not in me ? I had three close friends ,now it's two ,who I confided in ,we shared issues in our lives that only a close friend would understand and it worked ! It still works ,but I also realize that we won't always be close ,such is life and I won't fight it in any way .I know a lot of people and maybe if I allowed them in as it were I would have more "" Friends "" ,but for me this is the way It works ?? I find that even in my darkest times I don't feel alone ,rather that I have to figure out things on my terms ,and I survive .You win some ,and you lose some I guess ?

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Schipperkesue wrote:

I think if Arcticsun and I lost our friendship I would be devastated. I have known her since elementary school.

and, since you teach, that was... what? Yesterday?

Sweetened wrote:I don't socialize, really. I have 2 good friends (One is now Mortgager and the other accepted my request to be my maid of honour), other than that, there's the goats and chickens. I like online friendships, like those I have here. I feel people are generally more... themselves. Less afraid of judgement.

I'm sorry you're still going through the sadness, Uno, but I understand.

That pretty much describes me. Not very social, not many friends. I did have a best friend growing up. he moved away in grade 9 and I didn't have another until I met my wife.

Fowler wrote:... and I didn't have another until I met my wife.

Hey Fowler, show your wife that post. you lit up my world when you said that, I'm sure you'll just blind hers! *Thumbs up*

I am a bit the same. Not many close friends. I don't share worries or concerns much, but it is nice to have someone to talk about other stuff. I suppose that is protecting myself and if I don't let anyone to close or in to much then they can't cause to much damage. They just go by the wayside. The people I do let in have proven to me that they don't do that kind of damage.
I find someone every so often that I just 'click' with. I think I have unusual interests and it is tough having friends that don't share at least some of them.
I have a neighbour up the road I really enjoy. We are both horsey but different sports. We are rural, but our lives are quite different (she has small children) but we just 'clicked'. We can talk about lots of stuff, but it is usually horsey stuff. Sometimes we will go a couple of weeks without talking and then gab for an hour. Very nice. These kinds of friends I can handle.

It is amazing how comfortable I feel on this forum really. You all must be nice people!

I don't think I have ever been hurt badly by a friend. Not that I can think of anyways. Now family, that is a different story!!

Fowler wrote:

Schipperkesue wrote:

I think if Arcticsun and I lost our friendship I would be devastated. I have known her since elementary school.

and, since you teach, that was... what? Yesterday?

We have never taught together!

I’m not the most sociable creature myself. Neither are my few friends. Perfect really!

Schipperkesue wrote:

Fowler wrote:

Schipperkesue wrote:

I think if Arcticsun and I lost our friendship I would be devastated. I have known her since elementary school.

and, since you teach, that was... what? Yesterday?

We have never taught together!

No wonder you're still friends.

Blunty, I was mentally messed up by my dad to never really have friends. I could remember whenever I would try to make a friend he would tell me that they only wanted to be around me to use me either for my toys or my bike. He would always try to pick the kids he wanted me to be friends with. If I made a friend and it failed, he would be there to make sure I knew how right he was. My self confidence was nil. You grow up thinking everyone hates you so you stop trying. That crap stays with you right into adulthood and right to this day, it screws with me.

I would LOOOOOVE to teach with Schip! I think we would have the most unorthodox, yet old fashioned, yet progressive, yet artsie, yet progressive and totally amazingly succesful school EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chicken painting would be a core subject. And by that I mean both portraits and the actual paining of the chickens.


SWEEEEEEEET!


You know that you have a great friendship when sepperation, distance and time mean nothing, and you can just slip right back in step the next time you meet.

Arctic and I would team teach..TAG team teach! Those kids wouldn't know what hit them, and before they knew it they would be conjugating verbs in their sleep!

Our friendship has endured long distances, separations of time, and unhappy circumstances. I can't imagine there would be much that would break it up, unless I threatened to disclose Arctic's little secret....

Schipperkesue wrote: I can't imagine there would be much that would break it up, unless I threatened to disclose Arctic's little secret....

We already know the little secret.

But, just to make sure you ARE in the know, what do YOU think it is?

toybarons wrote:Blunty, I was mentally messed up by my dad to never really have friends. I could remember whenever I would try to make a friend he would tell me that they only wanted to be around me to use me either for my toys or my bike. He would always try to pick the kids he wanted me to be friends with. If I made a friend and it failed, he would be there to make sure I knew how right he was. My self confidence was nil. You grow up thinking everyone hates you so you stop trying. That crap stays with you right into adulthood and right to this day, it screws with me.

I hear you. Hard to overcome childhood... what would be the word? Brainwashing? Imprinting?

toybarons wrote:Blunty, I was mentally messed up by my dad to never really have friends. I could remember whenever I would try to make a friend he would tell me that they only wanted to be around me to use me either for my toys or my bike. He would always try to pick the kids he wanted me to be friends with. If I made a friend and it failed, he would be there to make sure I knew how right he was. My self confidence was nil. You grow up thinking everyone hates you so you stop trying. That crap stays with you right into adulthood and right to this day, it screws with me.

Toybarons, I can somewhat relate. My Mom was in abusive relationships for over half of my young life and I remember feeling a need to always be home. I was bullied severely in high school, so my friends were few, far between and fickle, but I found I wouldn’t have friends over or stay over at friends because I was always worried about a fight and having to get in the middle of it. I grew up fast, cleaning up the food and drink that would be thrown from counters, bringing my Mom out of panic attacks and on constant watch to make sure I knew my Mom would make it through another fight; having friends just didn’t feel like a priority. Because I’ve seen the intense double-sided (two-faced) nature people can have (abusers are notoriously one way and then turn on a dime), I don’t really trust anyone. Moose is the only person I trust with my life, and even my two ‘close’ friends and us don’t hang out much at all, if ever.

It does stick with you, those childhood things. It’s always embedded. My Mom still makes terrible life decisions and I still feel obligated to drop everything for her, however living in Saskatchewan when she is in BC helps my brain cycle through where my life priorities and her lifestyle meet and where the division is.

I’m sorry you had to go through that barons!

*GASP!*
Schip, you wouldnt!!!! YOU PINKEY SWORE!!!

Anyway, I we got enough dirt on each other to have our OWN reality show!

Ya know what Im looking forward to? All the dirt we have yet to create and discover! Heeheehehee!

Fowler wrote:

toybarons wrote:Blunty, I was mentally messed up by my dad to never really have friends. I could remember whenever I would try to make a friend he would tell me that they only wanted to be around me to use me either for my toys or my bike. He would always try to pick the kids he wanted me to be friends with. If I made a friend and it failed, he would be there to make sure I knew how right he was. My self confidence was nil. You grow up thinking everyone hates you so you stop trying. That crap stays with you right into adulthood and right to this day, it screws with me.

I hear you. Hard to overcome childhood... what would be the word? Brainwashing? Imprinting?

Left out controlling It's a bit of everything.