Uno freaks out!

I think I've freaked out before. But I'm freaking out again.

I NEED TO CHANGE MY LIFE!

Perhaps I am alone in feeling like I would like to rip my own skin off and step out, a different person. If I have to drag myself through one more same-old, same-old, I will scream and go postal! This is IT, I have had it!

Come on already, when is life about LIVING and not just about existing in a day to day trudge? How do we fall into these ruts, these mind traps where seeing things in a different light is not only scary as hell, but damn near impossible? How to convince oneself that we are not slaves, we are not stuck, we cannot be put in jail for making bad choices and taking chances? When things have been the same for 30 years, how do you CHANGE it? How do you reconcile a situation where one of you has your faced pressed against the bars screaming 'let me out!' and the other is calmly entrenched in confinement saying, sit down and shut up?

Like a volcano I feel an ominous, deep rumbling. Perhaps had a bore hole been drilled and some pressure let off, the impending explosion might not be so disruptive. But no such precautionary actions have been taken. The rumbling has been ignored, hoped it would go away, DENIAL. Well guess what! The evidence of the profound stupidity of this action is about to be encased forever in volcanic ash because I feel the big one coming on, and I don't mean a heart attack!

Let's not be rash. Let's not be hasty. Let's not make any sudden moves. Let's think about this...until we're dead. To hell with that! ENOUGH thinking, ENOUGH considering the consequences. ENOUGH I SAY!

(sigh, some tears trickling) I have lived a responsible life. I have done what I felt I signed up to do. I have lived within my means and with respect for the views and feelings of others. And may I confess to you here, friends, that I don't want to anymore. I don't want this. Not this way, anyway. This is not good. This makes me feel like I'm dying. I feel dead. Invisible. Entombed.

If you find my posts becoming increasingly disjointed and nonsensical, if you notice my spelling and sentence structure take a big dive, worse than normal, do not be surprised, because I fear the mental disintegration is well underway.

I do not know who I am. I do not know what I want. I do not know what to do. I do not know where to go. I just know this hurts like hell and it's hard to breathe. For all those who tell me how lucky I am, and I am, and many will say it, it still does not equal happiness, or peace or satisfaction. Luck is not any of those things. I would never say I have not been lucky, or blessed. BUt it's just not working anymore.

Forgive. This was horribly personal and later I will delete it because that's what I do. I appreciate the chance to spit this out, to blurt, I was going to explode. Or implode. I try very, very hard to be happy and have a point. It's fake. I'm a fraud. I'm going to go stick my head in the toilet now.

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I think you need to get a tattoo.

See you at breakfast tomorrow my friend.

R.Roo. soon I will yawn and it will be gone? Now I'm scared! Scared and frantic. I appreciate the Supertramp quotes, love Supertramp. BUt was feeling more Toto today, "can you tell me where I might find a hydra, is he wearing a familiar face?" I am the faceless dragon.

Coopslave. Yes. A tattoo. On my face. Something to talk about, a regret, later. Sometimes I think if you've never done anyting you regret, you haven't lived. I am ripe for something regrettable.

uno wrote:I am ripe for something regrettable.

Then bring your passport and your bikini tomorrow. We'll get waxed on the way to the airport.

Or better yet, NO WAXING! Now THAT would be regrettable!

Get yourselves a Brazilian.

aww, Uno. I can hear your pain but all I can do is listen

?? Mid life crisis ? I think we all go through this at one point or another and unfortunatly it's a hard choice to make .Time to reflect and count blessings and see what there is that we haven't seen or thought about ? What ever it is ,.......here for you !

Uno, I hope you don't take this post down. It's good to know that others feel or have felt this way too. You might be surprised at how many share your feelings. I know where you are coming from. I have felt it too. Tired of what everyone else wants. Tired of what I should do. Tired of putting others wants and needs ahead of my own. To the point that I don't know who I am anymore or even really like me.
I like you, have a pretty good life and yet something is missing. I need a different track to take. I have decided to go back to school. I quit when I got married to have my babies ( yes that was 1998, not 1958!) I was just shy of my degree. So I am finishing it and going to start into the nursing program in sept '13. I am scared, excited, and have no idea how I wi make everything work. But I am going to do it.
What I am saying, is that I hear you. You are not in a good place and its real. You need to take a step. Something different- for YOU. Don't over think it. Just do it. You will be glad for it. Jump!

Sounds like an anxiety attack to me! Try some journalling to get your thoughts and feelings out of your brain and on to paper, or if you have access to a therapist, go have a chat. Chances are that there is something in your life that is bothering you, and it's slowly sneaking up on you, causing you to feel trapped and twitchy. You just need to figure out what that thing is, and either deal with it, or learn to say F@(& YOU ANXIETY! and keep on trucking along with life.

If it feels good, do it.

Ya, for sure, Uno, breakfast tomorrow with your girlfriends -- get up early Princess, "when you're down and troubled, and you need a helping hand......you got friends". You sometimes scare me girl and I feel very worried about you right now. You pick up that chin and pick it up really high. You are loved, you are kind, you are smart and you are beautiful. Your feelings will hopefully pass and you will find that you are needed. Even though clearly you feel you are not. I think many of us feel this way so many times in our lives. Taken for granted, stuff like that. That is what it is and you have to bypass that deep crap. You are loved. Yep, you will probably delete your post. Sometimes when we are so down we need to vent, let it go and let it be gone. You have vented, many of us were on the forum today to listen...now delete girl, if that is your method of healing. But know full well, again, I say, you are loved, and not only by your forum friends. Find something this day Uno, that will bring a smile to your face. I think you should go kiss the filly or the dog. Anything that will bring a smile. Maybe a chicken. Give a hug to those that can't speak in the language of humans. They will always bring a smile, cause...well...they listen and they don't talk back hugs to you dear Princess Girl, CynthiaM.

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Sometimes we do what we do because that's what we think we're supposed to do. We learned this. But what if our teacher was wrong?

I'm with Cynthia..I'm worried about you. It is a helpless feeling when you know someone is hurting/unhappy/confused...what ever those feelings are and you want so much to help in some way. But how?? There is some good advice here given from the heart from your friends online. Here is one more suggestion.
I've thought of this on more than one occasion and meant to mention it. Uno, I think you need to write a book.
I really mean it. You are an incredibly talented writer. I just love your posts. Whether it is a rant, an observation about human behavior, a lovely expression of feeling...you have a gift to share. If you would consider publishing a collection of those thoughts for others to enjoy you could be doing something healing for yourself while contributing something to others. You have so much wisdom, humor, attitude (which I just love!!) and level-headed advice to share. It would be such a worthwhile project.
Please think about it if you haven't already. Maybe you just need a big new project to sink your teeth into. I for one would be the first person lined up at your book-signing!

What a cool idea Kathy! I totally agree. Kinda along the lines of Stewart McLean It would be perfect!

To all, I am so truly grateful for your words and thoughts and expressions. It is a weakness of mine that I wear my heart on my sleeve and tend to blurt out what's really on my mind. Blurting is not the best approach in many situations. I am trying to get a handle on my blurting.

My mom, who reads my posts, phoned to ask me if I was alright. Well...I have calmed down a little. But alright? THe jury is out on that one.

KathyS, your suggestion that I write a book is a kind one. BUt I don't think anyone who is a borderline fruitcake should be giving advice to anyone else. ( meaning me, not you, incase that wasn't clear) In fact, it's my advice giving that often makes me a fraud! As if I have a stinking clue about anything or any right to tell anyone else what they ought to do. What arrogance! I am an arrogant blurter.

I think I shall soon retire to the bathtub with my ereader, that's right, walking on the wild side with water and electronics. AND a bottle of cheap wine. I like the cheap stuff.

R.Roo..if anyone should be writing a book, I nominate you!

Thanks for all the love, support, encouragement and ego stroking. Tomorrow I am off to see the girls and they will no doubt slap some sense into me. Maybe by tomorrow I'll be over it. Sure hope so.

Schipperkesue wrote:Get yourselves a Brazilian.

and then get him to do some chores for you!

Sorry to hear you feeling this way Uno.

Sorry you are feeling this way Uno. You know you can come and camp out at any of our places and be someone else for a while if that helps.... or maybe I'm just speaking for myself...

I get that feeling sometimes - if my hot air balloon starts to sink I start throwing stuff overboard. Some hard decisions sometimes but eventually I start floating up again. If you know what I mean.

Uno, I am all for reading in the tub with a glass or two of wine. Wearing your heart on your sleeve too. But you are somewhere else. I know that place. You are asking for help. But only you can provide it. I am worried for you too. You need to look at what you really need and make a start to attaining it. I have often been apprehensive to respond to your posts. You are deep and you feel deeply. Respect your feelings. You are not in any way a fraud. It's easy to say you think too much. Whatever. You ate blessed and cursed with being sensitive and thoughtful. Take time to be you. Screw the rest.

Firstly, never channel Toto. When I'm feeling blue, I like to channel Rush or Trooper. But that's just me. Supertramp is okay, but never channel Alice in Chains cause that chit is too depressing. Okay now, where was I???

*huggs* Fruitcake needs *huggs* too. If you feel a fraud then what are the rest of us? I live daily knowing I'm a fraud. I think we all do. It's our mask we each wear. It's nothing to feel bad about. Least I don't think so

I'm cured!
Hallelujah! It's a miracle!

The kid walked by as I was reading posts and said, "Gross. It's a chicken site, not a stinking therapy site! Quit being such a tool. It's embarrassing."

And with those words the veil was lifted and I was able to see! I shall go forth, a tool no more!

From the mouths of babes...and other smarta$$es that wander through the house! Feel the love.