It's the thought...

HOw many times have you heard this about gift giving and receiving; it's the thought that counts.

You know, something about that has never rung true for me. This issue is on my radar in this season of giving. Giving which can feel good and giving which can feel bad. ANd this has nothing to do with me being a Scrooge, which I sort of am. But ever since I was old enough to be cognisant, this idea that anything thrust thoughtlessly into your hands should be received with joy and gratitude, nope, just doesn't work for me.

Before you vote to ban me, hear me out. There are gifts that show an utter lack of thoughtfulness. Gifts that are so out in left field that you know the giver grabbed the first item they saw. This mindless grabbing of gifts does NOT reflect that they thought of you, but were in a panic to fulfill some societal obligation and they acted on auto-pilot and now want to belly up to the table of gratitude to be admired for their selfless act of giving. WRONG!

There are people that I honestly do not know what to give them. FIne. Fair enough. We all have that situation. So why not go with a neutral gift that can be used up? Chocolate, some nice liquer, gourmet coffee beans, handmade soap, scented candles...all of these are tokens that say, 'I don't know you well or intimately but have given you a neutral but non-offensive gift anyway.' THen there are gifts that come from people who should know better, but just can't be botheerd to get it right!

FOr example, my Hubby is a very conservative guy. NO flashy clothes, no bright colours, no loud prints. There is one person in his life who should know better, who insists on buying him birthday T-shirts with pictures and words spalshed across the front. They are unwrapped, the giver is thanked and they are never, ever worn. The minute I see one of these gifts come out of the package I know, nope, that will go straight to the thrift store. WHy? BEcause the giver gave a gift to ease their own sense of obligation but the act of thinking was nowhere in the gift giving equation. If it's the thought that counts, there was no thought put forth.

It is easy in this season to get caught in the cycle of obligatory gift giving. Someone gave you a gift now you are duty bound to give them a gift. Wait, they gave you an expensive gift last year, so guess you're going to have to bump up your spending on them this year. IT becomes a tit-for-tat game and the spirit and meaning are utterly lost. I am happy with no gifts. I need nothing, want nothing and sure as heck do not expect people who are struggling financially to spend one dime of their hard earned cash to prove to me that they care about me. I NEVER feel good taking a gift from someone who has a better use for that money! However....of the people with whom I DO exchange gifts, and those would be people close to me, I do expect a certain degree of gift giving talent. Even if it is to say, "Uno, you're a miserable old cow and I'm scared to buy you anything so here's a gift card to your favorite store, buy yourself what you want." That is honest, that shows that they thoguht about me and not wanting to get it wrong, have made it acceptable for me to get what I desire.

I do not think giving a gift certificate or pound of coffee is a cop out. I think knitting me a chartreuse angora vest that makes me look like a 200 pound jaundiced puffer fish, THAT is getting it wrong!

This gift giving is fraught with danger, hurt feelings and family stories that never go away. When I give a gift it is either a neutral consumable or something that I hope the recipient will find useful or pleasing in some way. But never is it a desperate knee jerk offering that was grabbed and wrapped in a desperate moment, telling myself it's the thought that counts. THat is just an excuse for someone who hasn't thought at all.

My husband and I have agreed not to exchange gifts anymore for this reason. I spend hours pouring over things related to his hobbies or interests to find the "perfect" gift. This is hard to do for someone who has everything or if he wants something - just buys it. On the other hand his gift giving talent really sucks. For the first 3 years we were married I got thoughtless c&@p that was better suited to his interests. Who buys their wife a phone?? Wasn't even a cool i-phone or something - it was a cordless house phone!!! I rarely talk on the phone, but he spends hours a day on it. This kind of thoughtless "I have to buy something" attitude just led to all kinds of resentment. We now either buy something nice for the house or we buy our own gifts. This year, I got to go on my own holiday to Red Deer and spend guilt-free money. Best Christmas gift ever!! I don't worry about gift giving much anymore. When I see something that I know someone else would like - I get it, and give it right away. I don't have to feel guilty for giving someone a box of chocolates. I already gave them something great.

uno wrote:There is one person in his life who should know better, who insists on buying him birthday T-shirts with pictures and words spalshed across the front.

So why do you keep buying him those shirts?

I do agree with much of what you said. We have systematically stopped exchanging with those people in our lives. The one who gave me chocolate covered liquers (obviously a regift from last year because the chocolate had separated when I unwrapped one). The late gifts for the kids (obviously waiting to see if we got their kids anything and then shopping at the post-Christmas sales). I took these as signs that the people did not really want to exchange, so we stopped.

However, the latest gift exchange that we have weeded out is the other kind. The sort that we do put a lot of thought into trying to find something that they (mainly the 'HE' part of 'they') like but they never ever do. Some of the stuff I truly know they would like if they would just give it a try, but they are obstinate. The last straw was having last year's present, that my wife put a great deal of thought into, returned. This year we've given to charity in their name. HO HO HO

I absolutely agree with both of you. I do think that it IS the thought that counts though! As in the person who is buying ACTUALLY puts some thought into the gift or else its more of an insult. Ok they may not always get it exactly right but if they have put thought into it it does make you feel good about the gift and the person giving it. I don't think gifts need to be expensive to show thought in fact most often expensive are given so thought doesn't have to be used which is sad. I find that Christmas is losing its meaning because of this social obligation to give gifts to everyone and somehow outdo everyone else. I hate feeling that I am obligated to buy for people it really brings out the grinch in me. I'm not a fan of giving gift certificates however I do enjoy receiving them go figure! It does feel like a cop out to give them but I sure do love to get them and enjoy a couple hours to looky loo and pick out things I enjoy or enjoy a treat out. Although really the gift certificate has to have some thought put into it to or else it just sits in a drawer never getting used. There's nothing worse than after receiving gifts having to say thank you (through gritted teeth) and then find somewhere to stash all the "stuff" you really don't want, it seems such a waste. So I agree if you can't take the time to put thought into the gift you are giving then really it's best just not to exchange gifts. Just my opinion

Oh edited to add- My biggest pet peeve is kids birthday gift bags!! Why is there this social obligation to give out a bunch of "stuff" in a bag after entertaining kids for a couple hours! Really its just all garbage and such a waste! There's my rant for the day

Uno.....I'm getting a vague impression that the tie I bought for you will not be appreciated.

Hillbilly, is it noose shaped? Somedays I could really use one of those.

Ah, the trouble that has been caused spouse to spouse when one gives with thought and consideration and the other is a bonehead. We've had that in this family, still do fairly often. And no, Fowler, it is NOT me giving out crappo gifts, but I have received my fair share of them, or received nothing at all.

As I watch Hubby gleefully setting himself up with his new sled, new jacket, new gloves, new 2 stroke oil, new tie downs, new heated visor, new truck deck for loading, new backapck....I have told him, if there are gumboots under the tree for me, they will have to be surgically removed from his body. ANd I don't mean his feet.

Serjay, I feel a gift ceretificate still has to refelct the receiver. Do not give a person with an animal allergy a gift certificate to a pet shop. And sometimes, when you have teens and anything you pick for them will be WRONG, the best thing is a gift certificate to their fave tattoo parlour or whatever. I LOVE a gift certificate to the quilt shop. I am less excited about a Canadian Tire gift cert, especially if it has a sticky note that says, "we need jumper cables."

I used to be married to one of those boneheads who insisted on huge gift-giving (his family too - the one year I suggested we all give $ to charity in our family name was soundly rejected - I should have seen that as a sign) and so often got it totally wrong. I LOVE surprises and gifts that have been thought through, and as such I love putting in the thought or time and then watching the reaction. So in that way, Bowker I envy you that you and your husband can be so clear-thinking about the issue.

Gift giving- I am totally selfish about it. I do it for me!!!! Entirely for the feeling I get when I see the receiver of the gift speechless with delight. And that requires just the right gift for that particular person.

Yep, I am a selfish giver.

Sue