With a Heavy......now Broken Heart!

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.] Jonny, your health must come first.  All that know you, or of you, offer our support and wishes for continued improvement in your health and well being.  Stay strong, continue the fight, and please stick around, even if it's just to offer us all sound advice. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]for all you have done so far.

Yes, what Yardbirds said! Take care of yourself, but be sure to visit here often, Jonny!

Take care of yourself Jonny and enjoy the good days. I have seen your struggles and hope the best for you in the future. Hope you come back to visit and chat.

I have been thinking of you Jonny...and will continue to do so. Don't forget your friends... we can be relied upon in the bad times as well as the good!

As always, Anna and I are wishing you well Jonny!

Best wishes to you Jonny, it sounds like you have a good support system around you ... lean on them when you need to.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

XOX Monika

Get better

Best wishes. Take good care of yourself.

Wishing you all the best Johnny. Glad you have such a strong support system there for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Oh geeze, so many things we can go through in our lives. You know we care about you, and are so happy that you have good supports to get you through such trying times. Always keep that chin up, lean on the ones you love, and you will be whole and well again one day. With that, find things in this day that will make you smile, and take care, with my wishes for a beautiful day too, CynthiaM.

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to say that I am still kicking and screaming and trucking along. On the path to better health, one step and one day at a time. Keeping a positive frame of mind

I wanted to share with you a bit more about why I have been somewhat absent, or distant.

I have more insight into what has been causing my issues with my GI tract. A combination of severe anxiety more or less has been manifesting and with my IBS, IBD and causing these flare ups.

NAIT had recommended that I undergo an assessment to better determine where I would benefit and get the best and most out of my studies through assistance for students with disabilities. When I enrolled into my program and studies it wasn't until exam time that I began to struggle with anxiety. I had an attack during a final and lost huge marks in that one class, passed but not with the mark I was capable of. But I passed!
My instructor suggested I go speak to a councillor at NAIT about coping with exam anxiety, this resulted in myself being brought to the SSD office (students with severe disabilities) where they explained that my ADHD and IBS are considered disabilities.

At first I was reluctant and I didn't want to be labeled and thought that I would be taking advantage of the benefits that are in place to assist those with disabilities, but after further communication and a broader understanding of different types of disabilities. I realized that the support being offered to me would truly help me gain my degree as it would be assisting me by offering things like extended exam time, a quite distraction free room, tutors, counselling, audio textbooks, and i might qualify for funding assistance for online studies, etc.

So I agreed to the assessment and went through a 10 hour session with a registered psychologist back on Jan 2nd. It was something else, they tested all sorts of areas, in a humours manor I would say it was kind of fun, after all I got to play with blocks and solve math problems, memorize numbers and shapes. Great fun. NAIT needed a current glimpse at what my abilities are to better assist me.... well turns out I won't be getting the assistance until next semester.


I got the results from my assessment a week or so ago..... turns out that I do in fact still have ADHD, but something new for me is that I have been diagnosed with PTSD as well and have severe anxiety and depression.

The psychologist has ordered me to withdrawal from studies, something to do with the added anxiety of school is causing more harm right now. I have to focus all my attention on my recovery As it was explained to me, "You can be fixed, we have the ability to help you live a productive life." Kind of left that appointment feeling like I could be the next billion dollar man, "they have the technology"
As far as my studies have gone this semester I am currently struggling, and haven't attended much of this semester, as I fell into a dark place mentioned in my original post earlier this year fell into a deep depression, became increasingly reclusive as things became overwhelming.... Happy to say that I am slowly coming out of it.

It has also been suggested that I go on a healing retreat, to come back and begin counselling focusing on my anxiety. "Revitalize the soul" as it was expressed the whole concept of the retreat. I began looking into different ones but the $$ price alone gave me an anxiety attack. Worked myself up trying to think, ok I apparently need this healing retreat, how do I pay for it? Still on my mind, like I said I dwell on things. My mind is like a highway at rush hour, with tourist traffic during construction, oh look something shiny.. lol

My life feels out of control right now, but in control for the first time in a very long time. The professional advice I am being told not to get worked up and worry about things as I have always been such a worry wart, my entire life, which has added to my issues, did I mention that I dwell on things and have difficulty moving on? But it's true I have to really be careful.

So now I am out of studies until the fall, I have no funding and unemployed. At the very last of my $, with no cash flow. I am being told its to early and a bad step to jump back into the workforce, and to gradually look for part time work.... I went to work on my resume and realize that I have not worked since 2009... :(Stressed about this, but have to deal with it, can't ignore it but just truck through.

So here I sit, with thoughts bouncing about my head as I find myself getting worked up and anxious...........I decided to begin the healing process, and begin this new journey in my life by talking about it, with others outside my family.

With all that I have faced, I wanted to share that I am rising up to that challenge to getting things back on track, that I am making small steps and progress towards self improvement.

I was advised against sharing that fact that I have PTSD with others, advised against sharing my struggles and downfalls,professional guidance to avoid it for the fear that I may not be able to accept or handle the possible criticism, rejection, objection, opinions of others, and fall further down. I have heard all my adult life, from misinformed people to "get a job you lazy bum" and other things of the sorts. My current occupation is to fix my health :Pand I plan to get a promotion soon hehe.

I know I don't need to ever explain myself to others, but just sharing this has brought me some relief and peace of mind and I feel relaxed now that I have been able to get some of this off my chest, wanted to shed some light on why I have been somewhat distant from the community, and those I have met along my adventures.

I have always believed in being honest with others, I am now only learning to be honest with myself.

I started to write this out at 7:00pm and only now at 9pm I am hitting the send button, where did the past two hours go? LOL

Cheers,

Jonny

Recovery and healing, eh Jonny? All the best to you. You are a person worth saving. You know that don't you?

Just wondering...what makes YOU feel good...with no stress involved!

Schipperkesue wrote:Recovery and healing, eh Jonny?  All the best to you.  You are a person worth saving.  You know that don't you?

Just wondering...what makes YOU feel good...with no stress involved!

Recovery, healing, soul searching, exercising the demons don't know what to call it, but its all for the better.

To be totally honest....

Fishing... something I haven't done in awhile.   

Then perfect! Fishing season is upon us...and with the new road south of the Brazeau dam it makes a lot of nice fishing areas extra accessable. And you know what, there is an (I think) Buddist temple near Drayton Valley that holds retreats. Say the word and I will look into it for you, and if you need a place in the area to stay, just say the word. I love to cook for people who appreciate good food.

Oh boy, thank you my friend, for bearing your soul. These things are good to do, when we feel the time is right, getting something very heavy off your chest. I do not understand much of what you are talking about, because I do not have any of the stuff you have, I can only walk a mile in your shoes through what you are saying. I can't even imagine what challenges you have been up to in your life, but it does sound challenging for sure . Do take care. I think all that you have gone through, the tests, everything, have probably been the best thing that you could ever have done. You are finding out what is wrong, and you are being given the tools to help to fix it. It will be a lifelong struggle, Jonny, as you know, but the steps are there to take, those baby steps. I wonder if there are retreats, such as Sue was mentioning, that would be not too expensive to go on. There may be many, many wonderful agencies that do not have the intention of making a whole lotta money for themselves, search for them, I don't know any personally, but only imagine that there are some. This is good news, Jonny, and bad news too, I really wish you well, and that some money can come your way, so you can take the time to fix. Fix whatever needs to be fixed. Sigh. Wishes for a wonderful day for you, and yours, CynthiaM.

Update:

Hey Everyone,

It's with a great sadness in my heart that I once again divulge in the ongoings of my personal life. I find comfort and support as well as tough love, criticism, and eye opening opinions from others who are members of this community. I have made many friends through the time I have been a member of WCPS, and rather then hiding like I feel like doing right now, this very second. I grabbed my lap top, and came here to share my thoughts.

 I have been questioned and advised against openly sharing matters of my personal life on a public level by a few people, I understand that others find it out of sorts, or label it as a cry for help, seeking/wanting attention, or what ever... etc. To those people,  this form of release, expression has brought me relief, and helps to calm the mind and thought process. For years I have always bottled things up, "Don't want to talk about it" I would tell others that inquired how I was doing, in the past. In times like what I am going through currently, I would rather openly discuss it with people whom I respect, people who are not my family, but I care about, people who might be curious if I come across as being out of sorts or distant. I am trying to not distant my self.

Things have been rough for me the last few months, my health has gotten worse, throwing up and in constant ongoing pain has taken its toll, on my day to day life, my schooling and now my relationship. I have encountered another drastic and unexpected, yet somewhat anticipated major life changing moment....


Karrie and I have mutually decided that it is best for the time being the we are separated...

These past few months we have both slipped into a deep depression, we both struggled in school and just over all living in a dark basement has robbed us both of our motivation and energy. For myself, health went down hill over winter and it took it's toll not only on my self, but Karrie. Kare has been by my side for years, and with that she has witnessed the pain, suffering and ongoing agony that I go through on a regular basis. It's too much and in her words, she can no longer handle watching me go through this and there being nothing that she can do anymore to help. It breaks her heart and has brought her down so low to see her sweetheart go through this.

The two of us both fighting to get ahead in life, both struggling with personal issues, Karrie and her Biometric migraines, PCOS and depression, myself and my long list of ailments,  to work at this together has just brought to much strain to our lives. We have only fallen down further.
How can two people who can't even be there for themselves, try to be there for each other, it's just not possible, It wears you down far too much, you have nothing to give but to yourself. Then and only then when you find balance in your life, can you be capable to outwardly take care of another.

We have lost our fight, but not willing to give up the fight.....and feel that in order to get that fight back in us, we must temporarily go our separate ways and focus our efforts on individual success, and self improvement.

This is honestly the hardest thing that I have gone through, and watching her drive away last night I broke down, It took me a while to gather myself and come back in and just process what had just transpired.  I would be lying if I was to deny that this is not a traumatic event, we are both experiencing, but we both agree that this is what is best for each other and our relationship right now.
We are not breaking up, or at least that is not the intent. I love her dearly, I want us both to get on our feet, and get back to living out our lives together.

In a way I feel as though I am taking this kind of well or at least trying to, I can only see the positive that will in fact come from all this...can't always dwell on the negative. I know it has consumed my thought process too many times previously, I see a bright future for her, and I hope to one day be a part of her everyday life again.

From here on out I pledge to myself to live life one day at a time, and focus on my health & happiness, let go of the past and move on. Life sure hasn't been kind and waited for me, it's time for me to get caught up and moving on, towards what my heart truly desires.

A long Happy HEALTHY pain free Life with the women I love on our own land, living out our days together, doing the things we love.

Less enthusiastic Cheers,

Jon

Dearest Jonny,

Firstly, how you chose to share your life and seek solace from your pain is entirely your choice, and the choice of no other. Telling your story online is a perfectly valid way to work your way through things and though it may not be the choice of everyone it is your choice and the facilities are available for all to make decisions for yourself here. Do what works!

Secondly, and of course more importantly, I offer to you any support you may need as you work through your troubles. I hope you and Karrie can find both health and peace. Sometimes when you are struggling for your own health you cannot be there for another person who is struggling just as hard.

Jonny, if you need anything and you think I can help PLEASE do not hesitate to contact me and I will do my best to help. In you I see a spark of greatness and with just the right things in place I know you can make it grow into a flame.

Peace and all my love, Sue

Maybe this isn't the best way to say it. By what you wrote, you both came to the decision mutually and you both part as friends. No matter what happens, it sounds like you both will always have each other in your hearts.

These past few months I have been dealing with my own seperation involving my dad. I know the first couple of months, for me was hard. Dealing with different emotions. I played around with the "What if": Had I done this or done that. There were tears [still are], anger, self doubt, guilt and dark places I went. It's been 5 months now. Last month I decided to push all projects off to one side. I realized I was trying to fill the void left by my dad with other people's things. It wasn't I didn't want to concentrate on me, just that after a lifetime, it simply feels weird to concentrate on just myself.

Feel free to PM me anytime here or on FB. Even if it's just to shoot the crap.

I admire that you have come to an open forum to bear your soul. Personally I think that talking things out like this are healing in itself. I deal with things in a similar manner when I am down. There really is not much any one can say, other than that we wish you well. And that day will come when you and Karrie can have health again, and be together, love runs deep. With that Jonny, do try to have a good day, find things to make you smile, these things are healing. CynthiaM.

Hugs to you Johnny! Concentrate in getting better! If there is anything I can do to help out please let me know! You will be in my praywrs

Thank you all for your kind words...


I felt much better after reading my post and then reflecting on things.
I am staying positive and trucking along.

Today I am working on Chicken Coops, something I enjoy doing and something to occupy the mind for now.

Last night I kind of spoiled myself and with my remaining money I had on my Paypal account I bought a bunch of seeds for the garden from Westcoastseeds. Have some beans, carrots, corn and some other goodies arriving in the mail soon. Have all my grow lights set up and ready to switch on to get things started inside.

I don't think it has really hit me, other than I woke up this morning, turned over to go kiss karrie like I do every morning, and she wasn't there. It took me a bit to register why that was.

This will be a hard transition, its hard to be with someone everyday for such a long period of time, then like that one day they are no longer an active part of your life.

I could dwell and far further behind, or focus on the next small step to winning her back.

Jonny,  

You know you will make it, and together, but it will take time.   Get out of that dark basement if at all possible.  Basements are known to make

people depressed,  you need bright lights and sunny windows to look out of.   Go do that fishing, that is so relaxing.   When we go back to

B.C. for even a short holiday, I'm going fishing .   I was raised in a commercial fishing family and miss it terribly.  But don't want to fish in

deep water anymore, I want to fish in a river, (with no bears around, I'm scared of them)     Fishing, gardening, walking, writing in a

book just describing your days or just little things that happen, helps too.  

Might help to look into that monastery Sue mentioned.        God is always there for us all. So are the rest of us.   

Jonny not sure what I can say that others have not already said. You are a wonderful person and I know the decision you two had to make was hard, but I also know in time you will both be together again.
For now enjoy doing what you enjoy doing! Building coops, planting gardens, sitting in the sun, whatever makes you happy will help to heal you as well.