I absolutly love this joke had to post it 
Yep I know U women are saying JUST LIKE A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her
microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed
to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of
it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any
burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while
I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch
in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself
a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked
thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF
MASS
DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and
tingling in my legs!!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by
a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
considered conservative!
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. I
had no control over the drooling. Apparently I sh!t on myself, but was
too
numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking
for my
nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
D.
Yep I know U women are saying JUST LIKE A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her
microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed
to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of
it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any
burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while
I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch
in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself
a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked
thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF
MASS
DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and
tingling in my legs!!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by
a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
considered conservative!
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. I
had no control over the drooling. Apparently I sh!t on myself, but was
too
numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking
for my
nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
D.
