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Choices, A Conundrum

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1 Choices, A Conundrum on Tue Jan 14, 2014 3:40 pm

Sweetened

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My Mom posted a quote on her facebook page.  It read:
Everything you do is based on choices you make.  It's not your parents, past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument or your age that is to blame.  You and only you are responsible for every choice you make.
Period.

Amen.

And then, I made the choice to let her upset me.  There is something loss has made me realize with a gentle heart: Sometimes things are about more than you.  She says to me: "I see Moose is having some to do in February.  Are you coming?"  No, I says.  I'm staying with the farm, you know that.  "Well then, I'm not going."  Well, this isn't about you going or not, I says.  Me not being there is absolutely not a reason to bitterly decide you're not going.  What if you weren't invited, even if I did go, I thought, because you're not for this exact reason.

The conversation proceeded south very quickly.  About how it's not fair that only Moose goes back, how he always 'abandons' me.  Despite having the conversation for the hundredth time that this farm is a choice we both made and that it comes with sacrifices, as she puffed away on her cigarette, held tightly between two finger suffering from diabetic neuropathy, I came within a hair of saying firmly: I choose not to come back to watch you puff away on your cancer stick and kill yourself in a slow, painful fashion.  Phase one: immobile invalid.  *Click*.

I thought about it.  Tasted the words and smelled the smoke of her cigarette as memory can recall, like it wafted through the phone's speaker.  And I thought, I'm better than this.  Gotta go, I says, dinner's ready.

And I got to thinking about choices.  Learning experiences.  Consequences.  Systems of belief.  

I have a 1500lb learning experience, and the subsequent consequences that put me back to not validating honest people by their portrayed system of beliefs.  They're like laws.  And some people look at those belief systems like some people look at laws: they apply to everyone else, not them.  I can forget about the 1500lb learning experience for brief periods of time.

But I can't put away the offended feeling from my phone call.  I want to grab her and shake her and say: "Wake up!  Your life has been slipping away from you for at least 40 years!  DO SOMETHING!  Make a decision!  Grow the ---- up!"  She'd hang up on me, and call me back an hour later crying, saying she's sorry and she'll change for me.  Yeah, we've been here.  I'll say you can't change for me; you must change for you.  

And I'll make the choice that she won't get to me, that if she dies of cancer, loses her limbs or withers away, that I won't have regrets because I did all I could.  But then, will it truly go that way?  Is that a choice when it happens?

How does one train themselves to make different choices?  To move on and detach?  Sometimes things are about more than you, but to acknowledge that, too, to understand that is a choice.  In this case, it's not mine to make.

http://steadfastfarm.wordpress.com/

2 Re: Choices, A Conundrum on Tue Jan 14, 2014 4:09 pm

Schipperkesue

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I don't know, Sweetened. My parents say horrible things to me. They are 80 and I am 50. Clearly it will not change. They trash my brother and his wife in front of me, then do the same to me in front of my brother.

I mentally disconnect as often as possible. Confrontations just make me cry so I just suck it up, put on a pretend face and keep the peace for the sake of the family. After all, they will not be here much longer and I cannot change them.

Let me know if you find peace.

Oh, and I disagree with your mom's Facebook page. Not everything we do is a choice. It sounds like she maybe stabbing a bit.

3 Re: Choices, A Conundrum on Tue Jan 14, 2014 5:20 pm

uno

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I agree with Sue.

This is a complicated situation indeed.

Please do not be angry...but in your mom's words I hear that she wishes she could see you. That she wishes you were going to be where Moose is. Her refusal to attend sounds like her way of showing that for YOU, she would show up, because you are that important to her.

It might not sound like that to your ears. To your ears it might sound like manipulative whining. It might sound like she doesn't get your life choices, doesn't realize what it means to have a farm (no getting away!) And unless she's been a farmer she may literally not get it. I have friends who do not get that I can't up and pop off whenever I feel like it.

Once upon a time you were her chubby cheeked baby and she kissed you and thought you were the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. She held in her heart a picture of your future relationship. She might be just as bewildered at the outcome as you are. True, her glaring lack of personal insight seems obvious to you and it troubles you. So, your mom is emotionally stunted and perhaps manipulates you to get her emotional way. But at the root of it I HAVE to believe that she is so hurt by the distance between you. She doesn't even know how to name it, how to fix it, how to communicate it.

What do YOU want? Do you want to sever all ties? Would your inner moral compass be okay with that? It might be easier, yes. But is it right for you?

If you want a better relationship with your mom, I would urge you to keep trying. You may need to set up boundaries, you may need to limit exposure until you have a grip on how you're going to deal with entrenched patterns. The relationship may improve, but only when contained inside certain parameters. I just don't get the feeling that you are 100% comfortable with turning your back on your mom. You obviously know that you can't change her, stop her from smoking herself into a grave. So, she is what she is, what is there that the two of you can find common ground on and talk about that interests her? Something neutral and safe?

Her FB post, ignore that. People put idiotic crap on their FB, it is mostly indicative of nothing. I know this has helped nothing. I feel bad for both of you!

4 Re: Choices, A Conundrum on Tue Jan 14, 2014 5:50 pm

authenticfarm

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So sad for both of you. I hope there comes a time when you can treat each other as equals. Because daughters need their mama, and mamas sure need their daughters.

http://www.partridgechanteclers.com

5 Re: Choices, A Conundrum on Tue Jan 14, 2014 10:49 pm

islandgal99

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I'm curious, and you don't have to answer...but was your mom "abandoned" by a significant other - by work, by choice, by death? Because it sounds to me like she may be projecting her own fears, emotions and past into your relationship rather than dealing with her own demons.

My mom is much the same...sometimes I want to grab her and shake her and tell her to WAKE UP. I see her and she seems so helpless. I want her strong, to take care of her self, her finances, her farm...but she choses to let everything fall apart. It's hard. Makes me angry sometimes, but sad more.

http://www.matadorfarm.ca

6 Re: Choices, A Conundrum on Thu Jan 16, 2014 7:26 am

Sweetened

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I'm not ignoring this thread. I'm in thought on it, will answer soon.

http://steadfastfarm.wordpress.com/

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