i know its early...but spread thin on holidays with family..advise.

just wondering how you guys do it? i am already somewhat dreading the holiday season, there is two days and 3 families to do it with, i am starting to dread the holidays, i have hubbys mother, who has her big family thing christmas day every year like 30 people on her side of the family get together and have a ginormus pot luck dinner ( it gets very loud, overwhelming ...not my idea of christmas but whatever ) the sister who tags along to all functions, hubbys father who doesn't say much to me i think he looks down on me as i was not good enough for his son as i was a truck driver. ( him, the mom are divorced) , plus i have my side of the family my mom since my dad passed away i feel as if i need to be with her... we were a small close family just my mom, dad and i ( i was only child) cause of dads work in the oilfield we stayed home for the holidays allot of the time as the rest of the family lives in Bc, ect........ every year it seems to be the same thing not enough time to spread ourselves to make everyone happy. personally i want to run away to mexico for christmas it be easier LOL now with jenna everyone wants to see her, spend time with her...i am asking how can i do it and maintain somewhat of my own "holiday happiness/ tradition" ?? advise anyone? or does everyone go through this when you are married>

Boy, oh boy, oh boy. I hear you!

There was a time when Hubby and I had up to 5 appearances we were expected to put in over the holidays. Thankfully they were within driving distance, but still...for the first three New Years of our daughter's life we were in the emergency room of the hospital. With missed naps, a million people handling her, by New Years she was sick as a dog. ANd I was worn out and feeling pulled in 1000 directions.

And then I went berserk.

I just stood up and said NO! No, we are not doing this! When we were young and single and mobile and not a family of our own, yes, going home was what we did. But now we WERE a family! Time for old traditions to move over and make room for new traditions.

TripleJ, you will be in for the fight of your life because people who are used to having it one way, their way, are not happy about change. BUt you are just going to have to dig in and sit there, stump like. Do not let guilt or threats or condemnation move you. YOu have to make up your mind and your resolve that you have had enough and it stops NOW!

My mother has been a widow ofor 22 years and it was hard for her to give up having the family come home for Christmas. But I sat her down and explained as kindly as I could that I had grown to hate the demands of Christmas. Now I wanted to be home with my own family. And instead of going home to mom's for Chrsitmas, I now have mom come to my house for Christmas. I clean the house, set the table, make the prime rib (not a turkey fan) and mom brings a few fave dishes. I give great credit to my mom for opening her mind and being willing to embrace change. It was weird for her, but weird is not fatal. People can adjust and survive.

WIth Hubby's parents being divorced it was a pull in two direction, both wanting us at Christmas. BUt now, with the kids being spread all over the place and HUbby and I being closest, I have both his parents and their new partners over at my place too. Again, hats off to his parents for working hard to set aside differences and learn to be civil, for the sake of their kids, and we can all sit here, at my house, my mom and his parents, and have a GREAT time.

And I haven't left my house!

It may not work out this way for you, TripleJ. Maybe the thought of everyone at your house makes you freak out. (I still stress and fuss, but less as years go by). Many ofu s feel the way you do at Christmas. The trick is deciding you are willing to withstand all the negative junk that is going to come your way when you make a change. ANd it will not go smoothyl, people expect things, and being disappointed is NOT one of the things they expect!

Does you Hubby support you in this change or is he going to give you flack and guilt too? Spend some time with yourself and figure out what you are willing to do, and what you aren't. How much visiting is enough, and how much is too much. Can you split it up in years? One place one year, other place next year? Can you get together with someone for coffee and pie the weekend before? THere's more than one way to skin a cat and this might take some wrangling and juggling, but it's not imossible. You just have to accept that there will be unhappy people. As long as you try to be as equitable as you can, offer reasonalbe alternatives, without making yourself hate the whole season, then them being unhappy has to be THEIR problem, and not yours. This is a tough one. I made it work, but not without struggles.

Yes, I can sum it up in 4 words.

New families, new traditions!

Okay, then SoShortSue! Be that way.

I will!

But you always been much more eloquent than I, Uno.

Hey....

Today is a very special day! My iPad finally recognizes Uno's name and has stopped trying to autocorrect it! Woo hoo!

Thanks uno you aslways say things the way I think them, sue your right as well its time for them to step back we have a family now and basically suck it up. Glad 2 see I am not the only onne who is going through this lol

SUe, I"m so glad your ipad recognizes me. I was feeling a little rejected.

TripleJ, I have a theory.

I have a friend who is my age, which ain't young, and she still goes home to mom's house for Christmas and THanksgiving, sleeps (with her family) in the same room she slept in as a kid. Now I know this is going to offend many people who have perfectly valid reasons for doing the same...but I think it is a right of passage into adulthood to stop going to mom's, and step into that role yourself. Have mom and dad or siblings come to you. Face it, at one point your own mom quit going home to her mom!

These big family gatherings are a lot of work and as the older generation gets older, I think they're entitled to a break. I would rather my mom make a salad and desert and drive to my house than be the one wrangling the turkey. SHe likes it too now, says she feels spoiled. And the first time I took the reins of Christmas Dinner in hand, it did something for the way I felt about myself. It made me feel like a 'big girl'. It was a milestone.

I am cheering you on as you put your foot down and make some changes. BUt also urge you to treat with care the people who will be upset with these changes. Family and the way it has always been is a BIG thing to give up, compassion with firmness is in order. Good luck!

We're now the older generation, but now that the children are mostly paired there are a lot of people drawing for a share in their time. My wife comes from Holland where they celebrate St. Nicholas Day around the 5th of December. For the last few years we have used St.Nicholas Day as our Christmas family get together. That leaves the children and families free to celebrate with other relatives. As a bonus the wife and I have a quiet Christmas Day to tackle a 1000 piece puzzle. One year I was home here by myself looking after the animals as my wife was working in a senior citizens home (son and DIL also work jobs that do not stop for vacations). We've had to alter the arrangement this year as a daughter has university examines early in December.

Hats off to you Rosewood and your family, for making the holidays work for you the way you need to. Or making your own traditions that don't necessarily coincide with the days we've been told MUST be Christmas. IT is possible to get outside the Christmas box if one thinks outside the box. I am always cheered when people find a way to throw of the often oppressive tyranny of the Big C season.

triplejfarms wrote: hubbys father who doesn't say much to me i think he looks down on me as i was not good enough for his son as i was a truck driver.

These things strike deep within my heart. Judge not, lest ye be judged.

I am not a religious woman, by no stretch of that imagination, but let me tell you -- this is one thing that I try to adhere to in my life. We cannot judge. OGCJM.

I am sorry, but I have to digress from the topic a little. We had a native foster child that was adopted by a caucasian family. They loved this boy. They were very very religious. The boy came to us and lived for a long time, probably well over a year (that was long for a child to be in our care). On his fingers, one symbol on each finger was the O G C J M....he bore this with pride. When I asked him what it meant, he happily replied "only god can judge me". How true....whether you believe in a god or not.

This man has not right to judge you and what is wrong with a truck driver gal anyways. Change history and you would not be the person you are in these days. A wonderful gal.

So...yes, sharing Christmas with family. My Daughters and theirs share their Christmas' with their families. One year oldest gal and Hubby go to Grand Prairie to be with their family. That year the youngest gal and hers stay home. The next year the youngest gal and hers go to Edmonton to their family. They toggle as such. Ken and I just meld, to do whatever, we are versatile now. The dinner celebrations are either at youngest gals or oldest gals, with the present opening happening, well who knows when. When the kids travel to Grande Prairie, we have a dinner/present opening celebration long before they leave, probably about the 19th of that month, and vice versa. We share around.

We do not go back to the coast to have the huge family Christmas eve celebration since we have moved up to our new life. Two Christmas' have gone by without the family having our presence. It is a little sad, as we always had Christmas eve with my family and Christmas day dinner with Husband's family, but times change. Adaptions must be made. I totally understand how it is to spread around. We had 4 different celebrations that involved Christmas back on the coast -- two dinners -- two breakfast/brunch. It can be trying and I hope that you keep your calm. But honestly too, perhaps one day you will find that you just leave it all behind and go to somewhere warm for that type of celebration. Hope it goes calmly for us all...and with that, have a most awesome day, CynthiaM.

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I agree, new family, new traditions. If it all gets to be too much, plan something for Boxing Day or New Year's with whoever gets left out of Christmas.

I know lots of families who do "Christmas" a couple of weeks before, or a couple of weeks after, the actual day of Christmas. Spreads out all the insanity so that it's manageable.

Personally, we like to stay HOME at Christmas so we can enjoy our little family, the kid (now kids for the first time this Christmas!) can play with her toys. This year, since my brother and his family have moved here and it's their first Christmas up here, we've decided to do an Epic Brunch for a LATE breakfast (so we can enjoy the morning with our respective children in our own homes), and fondue for supper. Easy peasy, the kids can graze, and there's no major cooking involved (after Thanksgiving, I am sick of turkey!!!!!).

Why not, the weekend before/after Christmas, put on an open house for your family(ies) to drop in at their leisure for some eats and visiting? Throw some cider in a crock pot, put out some cold cuts and buns, a veggie tray, some cookies, some booze, and call it good. If they don't show up to see you, then it's their choice, not your problem ....

Schipperkesue wrote:Yes, I can sum it up in 4 words.

New families, new traditions!

I agree.

thanks for the replies guys! love hearing others stories!

One thing we have impressed upon our kid from day one is that we want her safe and alive. And getting in a car to make some obligatory pilgrimage back home in the WORST weather Canada can throw at you, is just STUPID! Stay where you are, stay off the road and stay SAFE! No one's Christmas is improved by a call from the RCMP. A holiday accident stays with you for a long time. I think people lose all sense and reason over this holiday. Enough already.

Ba Humbug!