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what to say???

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1 what to say??? on Thu May 01, 2014 9:11 am

Reneggaide


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I have a long lost daughter, her mother recently found me after years of searching for my family. This is great and im walking on air at the thought of meeting her but there is a huge problem and I am asking all of you here for advise on what to say to a 10 year old who has grown up thinking her father is deceased.

This was agreed to be done to protect both mother and daughter. The truth is not an option. Catch 22.

i ask you here because you all have in common the responsibility of making hard decisions with the lives of those in your care, who better to ask this than from people who know both nature and nurturing.

Any ideas how i can approach this situation for her benefit?

2 Re: what to say??? on Thu May 01, 2014 9:37 am

heda gobbler

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Congratulations! What very happy news!

Don't know the details - that can be the devil here - but I'd stay as close to the truth as possible. If she knows decisions were made out of love and care for her, not because of abandonment or lack of care it will help.

At 10 you should be able to have a good conversation. Keep in mind you want this to be a life long conversation about all sorts of things. You may find some hurt and anger coming at you, or she may be really shy or silent. Be prepared to be warm and calm - think about a father YOU would have liked to have.

I have a lot of godchildren and wondered when they were babies what I could do for them. One thing was to say often throughout their lives "if you ever run into trouble or need a place to stay, know that I will always be happy to see you and have you stay with me." Mostly they would shrug and not say anything but it is amazing who turns up.

And don't expect anything immediately. This may take time.

Good luck and most sincere good wishes.

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3 Re: what to say??? on Thu May 01, 2014 9:46 am

authenticfarm

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I have no advice, just good wishes for you both. 10 year old girls are interesting - that "tween" age where they're becoming self-conscious and awkward.

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4 Re: what to say??? on Thu May 01, 2014 10:07 am

Schipperkesue

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How lovely! 10 is may favorite age! Old enough to talk to but young enough to still respect their parents. I can't add to what Heda said other than, you are a very lucky guy!

5 Re: what to say??? on Thu May 01, 2014 1:16 pm

smokyriver

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I agree, explain to her with as much of the truth as possible. Be sure to let her know it was a decision you made with her best interests at heart!!

Congratulations on being able to meet her! Praying things go well for you. I also agree that you need to expect anger at her finding out that dad is not deceased! She will probably be quite angry at the deceit of that.

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6 Re: what to say??? on Thu May 01, 2014 1:22 pm

toybarons

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I once was a 10 year old girl. My family was together. However, my dad often used lies. Except he never called them lies. They were convient truths. Many of those still haunt when I found out the real truths.

Just think carefully how you answer her questions. I know many today like to credit 10 year olds as being far more mature for their age than 10 year old back when I was one in the 1970s. They are still only 10 years old. There are ways of telling the truth, without lies, but also without giving all the details that an adult would be able to process.

SHe wants to hear that hopefully you loved her. She doesn't want to hear the grapic reasons behind the truth of what kept you two apart. I'm sure though you will find the way to say what you need to tactfully and with kindness. Just be sure that none of what you say is negative towards her. Especially if you want her as part of your life from here on.

All the best to you and her.

7 Re: what to say??? on Thu May 01, 2014 9:23 pm

Echo 1

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Might be worth consulting with a child psychologist or family therapist?

8 Re: what to say??? on Thu May 01, 2014 9:57 pm

Reneggaide


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thanks for all the support and advise. I will be dong all that as best i can. A psychologist advised she be told what was known about me to begin with, and will be consulted again about this situation before anything is done again.

We have agreed to tell her that i had trouble with addictions and that im better now. its true and i can live with that more than the full truth.

She is gorgeous, looks just like me, just like my daughter here with me now...gee i hope no one minds me slipping into extreme narcissism lol

9 Re: what to say??? on Mon May 12, 2014 7:43 am

Fowler

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I was going to make a suggestion but don't really feel qualified to do so. So I'll just say that I'm happy for you.

I would say to stick with honesty (at least what a child could be expected to handle). If a kid smells BS, they won't respect you. If a kid falls for it and finds out the truth later, it will affect their view of you (I know this one personally).

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